Grief Tranformation: Five years ago my husband, Hurley Cox, died

Grief Transformation
July 28, 2010

Five years ago, my husband died.

Just as with any anniversary there is an opportunity to reflect, looking into the past, present and future. In case you are new to my blogs, I want to lay a foundation. I believe that life goes on after we physically die. I feel my husband with me on a regular basis. Any crap that might have been a part of our relationship is gone. I feel support, love and blessings from him. He is one of my guardian angels. When I speak of loss or sadness, I am talking about loss of the physical presence. I miss his physical presence.

I am feeling deep sadness this year and I just want to sink into the feelings and be with them, talk about them, and allow the process to unfold.

Five years.

At the 1st anniversary of Hurley's death, a group of 40+ family and friends gathered at our home. I had been ordained as a minister of spiritual peacemaking a few months earlier. We had a ceremony with peace prayers and created an emissary wheel with rocks. When it was complete we stood in a circle holding hands in silence. Even the dogs who had been running back and forth across the rocks came to a halt and sat in silence.

After a short break, we gathered once more that day for a simple ceremony in the garden.  I read a Hopi prayer.  It starts with, "Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep... After that I placed a handful of the ashes of Hurley and Cooper (my son who had died 13 years earlier) into a hole for the planting of a peace pole.  The garden in that area had roses all in full bloom.  Passionate kisses, Love's Promise, Peace, Glowing Peace, Our Lady of Guadalupe, and the Mary Rose.  After I had placed the ashes into the ground, my brother shouted and pointed, "There is a hawk."  Sure enough, on cue, a hawk approached our location flying from the east to the west.  It flew straight toward us, circled over our heads and turned to fly into the north.  Amazing! We finished by singing Let There Be Peace on Earth and saying a short prayer.

Hurley was a falconer and Cooper was named for a Cooper's Hawk.

2nd Anniversary: Hannah and I drove two hours to Philadelphia. The next day was our first Jonas Brothers concert. Little did I know that that was the first of many JB concerts (78 so far)! I felt Hurley with me as we watched our baby girl connect to life again.

3rd Anniversary: Hannah and I drove 10,000 miles that summer.  I felt so connected to Hurley that summer.  I felt like he was leading me to incredible sacred places and was right there cheering me on to live life fully. On the anniversary we were back at the house for a few days and I was surrounded by four weeks of mail. I sat quietly that evening and felt the deep connection.

4th Anniversary: It was a magical day, a hummingbird day. Hannah and I were in St. Louis on a summer tour of 45 Jonas concerts. We won tickets to the concert that day, met people we still keep in touch with on Facebook and Twitter, received meet and greet passes. I thought about all of the things I appreciated about my husband and felt the glow of a magical day.

5th Anniversary: This feels like a milestone marker. How could five years have passed already? I think the sadness is deeper because Hannah and I moved into a new apt and Hurley isn't moving in here with us. My name is on the lease. This is not a hotel or a hostel or anything connected with traveling. This is our home. And he is not here.

I think any loss is hard. I have lost a brother, a child, grandparents, friends and a husband. It always hurts. There is always pain.

As I reflect today, I feel that the most difficult losses for me are when the loss of the person turns my entire life upside down. Losing my life partner meant that everything changed in my life. When Hurley died, I let go of his business and our home. I let go of Girl Scouts and Destination Imagination and all of the other things I coordinated with home schooling. I let go of community gatherings at my home. I needed to think about getting a job or building a business that would support my family.

The foundation of who I am is still inside of me. I am who I am.

And my life is changing radically. I moved across the country because I felt a deep calling to do that. I continue to peel away the grief to discover the parts of me that want to emerge now. I connect on Facebook but I am giving myself the time and space to feel empty. Open and willing to welcome the new.

 I have been in California for six months. I love it in the same way I have always loved it when I have visited. I was born in Oceanside in a Naval hospital. We moved away when I was 3 or 4 years old. I have now returned to the state of my birth. Hannah feels a strong connection here. And interestingly enough, Hurley was exploring moving to California to become an actor when I first met him in 1989.

I will walk on the beach in Santa Monica and Venice today and go to the Agape Spiritual Center for the Wed night service. Hannah does not want to talk about the loss of her Dad. She will find her own way, in her own time. Liz and Mary have their own lives in Arizona and NYC and will grieve in their own way today, too.

I end with one of Hurley's favorite songs from one of his favorite movies. Many metaphors in the words and the film. I always thought it was curious that Hannah would watch this with him when she was only five years old. Although this has the world blowing up, there was a rebirth on the other end of it. The hummingbirds survived.

Blessings to you all in love and life. Embrace the adventure.

Click here for song: I don't wanna miss a thing

Challenging the Tradition of Food Choices

Challenging Tradition
July 21, 2010

Every month I receive a DVD in the mail from Spiritual Cinema Circle. There are four films on the DVD. Three short and one feature film. This month the topic is"Challenging Tradition."

 One of the short films, (10 minutes) is called Gefilte Fish. A young Israeili woman is getting married. There is a list of traditions for her to do before the wedding. One of the traditions is to prepare gefilte fish following a traditional recipe handed down through many generations. There is a photo album filled with each bride in the family, holding the platter of gefilte fish. She is told that when a woman cooks a meal for a man wholeheartedly it stays in his stomach forever and if she does not respect this tradition, her marriage will be cursed.

Step 1 whack the fish over the head twice with a rolling pin to kill it.(And her fiance is a vegetarian and doesn't even eat fish!)

 Below is a short film trailer.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgmsRDEkpD0&feature=player_embedded

                                                            *******

The film and a recent blog brought up the topics of tradition and food. Before moving to California, I was an occasional vegetarian. When I had an autoimmune condition in 1995, I drank green drinks and cut out animal products, as part of my recovery. I liked vegetarian foods but I had excuses as to why I could never give up meat.

*I grew up eating meat at home and in the school cafeteria.
*It was hard to find vegetarian choices when I traveled.
*What would I cook to meet nutritional requirements for my body?
*I need meat for protein and energy.
* I didn't want to offend anyone when visiting their home.

*And of course, Thanksgiving wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the turkey.

Now in California there are so many new choices. When I crave a burger and fries, I go to Paty's or Bob's Big Boy, (the original!), and order a vegetarian burger. A whole wheat bun, soy patty, fresh veggies and sliced avocado. It is delicious. When I crave a burrito, I can order it with tofu, black beans and a whole wheat tortilla. And there are numerous vegetarian, vegan and raw food restaurants.

Shelly Rachanow, author of If Women Ran the World, Sh*t Would Get Done has a wonderful blog called Celebrating the Wonderful Things Women Do. She recently interviewed Melanie Joy, author of Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs and Wear Cows. Here is a piece of the interview that stirred me to think about the tradition of eating animals:

"Carnism is the reason humane people can participate in inhumane practices without realizing what they’re doing. The whole system is set up to keep us from thinking for ourselves; when it comes to eating animals, most of us don’t even realize we’re making a choice, following the dictates of a deeply ingrained belief system. We’ve been taught that it’s only vegetarians who bring their beliefs to the dinner table. But when eating animals isn’t a necessity (as is the case in the majority of the world today), it is a choice—and choices always stem from beliefs."

The link to the full interview and Shelly's blog is below:

Celebrating the Wonderful Things Women Do

                                                             ***********

Another opportunity that is challenging the tradition of my food choices comes from my daughter, Liz, age 25. Liz is a vegan. Her minor in college is animal rights. She has been researching the ways we treat the animals we eat. With the influence of Liz, and other vegans, like Jason Mraz, the singer, I am opening my mind. One meal at a time.


The reflection questions at the end of the Spiritual Cinema film are: 


Which traditions in my life limit me? Which traditions set me free?

My call to inspiration is to become awake and aware of the food choices I am making each day. Food is another opportunity for me to make conscious choices. I leave you to answer the questions for yourself.

Now on to the holidays. I have four months to plan the new Thanksgiving menu.

Give 67 Minutes to your chosen social cause

Give 67 Minutes to your chosen social cause

July 14, 2010

Sunday, July 18 2010, is International Nelson Mandela Day. There was an official UN Resolution declared in Nov 2009, to celebrate the legacy of the Nobel Peace Prize Laureate and former President of South Africa. This is a truly significant historical moment because it is the first time that the UN has designated an international day in honor of one person. Nelson Mandela is turning 92.

There was a 90th Birthday celebration in London 2008. In NYC in 2009, the tradition of hosting an event continued. This year, 2010, is the first official international event and is hosted by Spain.The focus is on serving, community, education, music and more...

Nelson Mandela has given 67 years of his life to fighting for social justice, and to celebrate his birthday he is asking you to give 67 minutes of your time in service. He has asked that we do not focus our love on one man's birthday but to work in community to make the world a better place.

Some of you might say that you already volunteer for 67 minutes every week. Consider doing your volunteer job as if it is the first time you have ever volunteered. Bring something fresh to it. Feel a deeper connection and more enthusiasm.

Be creative with the 67 minutes. Maybe you will help a family member or a neighbor. Open to inspiration and let the opportunity to serve come to you. Be ready to serve!

If you don't know who Nelson Mandela is, here are a few details of his life.

* he was born in South Africa on July 18, 1918.
* he protested against apartheid in South Africa. Apartheid is racial segregation.
* he was jailed for 27 years on a charge of sabotage and was called a terrorist.
* he became a hero to anti-apartheid groups.
* he was seen internationally as being responsible for helping to end apartheid, a 46-year era
* he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1993, three years after his release from jail.
* he was the first democratically elected South African President.
* he served as President from 1994-1999

Mandela Day is a call to action for people everywhere to take responsibility for making the world a better place, one small step at a time, just as Nelson Mandela did. 

If you want to know more about it and the myriad of activities, here is a link:

http://www.nelsonmandela.org/index.php/foundation/mandela-day/category/mandela_day_2010/

I highly recommend the film Invictus. It is the true story of how President Nelson Mandela joined forces with the captain of the South African rugby team to help unite the country. Brilliant film. Here is a link to the movie trailer. It is now on DVD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZY8c_a_dlQ&feature=related

It is a film of leadership and vision. Powerful and inspiring!


One last thing to think about: Isn't it interesting that Spain, a country that has been planning Nelson Mandela Day with the focus on serving, just won the World Cup? Could this be a demonstration of the flow of giving and receiving in the Universe? An example of serving with an open heart and the overflow of generosity?

Just a thought...

Life as a butterfly

The Journey of a Butterfly
July 7, 2010

In 2005, my daughter, Hannah, told me we would be moving to Los Angeles. It was two weeks after her father died and the clarity of the future flowed through her. It took me another 3 1/2 years to see it. I felt a calling to release my house and most of my personal belongings in 2009. Since arriving in California in Jan. 2010, I have met people every week who have the same deep calling to transform and change. I feel the wave of movement from one part of the world to the other.

I have met people on Facebook, at Priscilla's Coffee and Tea in Burbank and at the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. We are in a state of releasing. From releasing identities that no longer serve us to material possessions that have been clogging our lives to old beliefs that place limitations on new life. As we release, we open to embrace something new. Most of our futures are unplanned. We live on the edge of uncertainty of what is next until it appears. Underneath there is an aliveness about infinite possibilities and expectancy, like waiting to go into labor. I know the new birth is coming and soon!

The one common element is the consciousness around the release. No one is rejecting their old life. Everyone is releasing and moving towards something unknown. No one is running away. They are choosing a different path. The old life was fine. Maybe even great!

On this new path, there are elements of freedom and music. At the center of it all is a spiritual connection to their heart and destiny. Step 1 is to renew their spirit. Step 2 is opening to the path that is leading them to serve. Something is stirring in each heart. There is a link to the great awakening on planet Earth.

Around the world, old structures are crumbling. Education, banking, government, health systems, resources, and jobs. In nature, there are earthquakes, volcanoes, oil spills and hurricanes. Barbara Marx Hubbard is a futurist who has been teaching for 40 years about a time in the world when the old structures would break down and fall apart. She has used the phrase, "Our crisis is a birth." Spiritual leaders like Michael Bernard Beckwith, speak of the natural breakdown of the old, "Something new is trying to emerge. That which is dissolving has to fall apart." We can not receive the new without the breakdown. Just as a baby is birthed with labor pains, the world is experiencing labor pains of its own.

I am filled with both fear and excitement. When I feel fear, I am examining my life from an old paradigm. Focused on old solutions that do not work any longer. When I feel excited, I am seeing infinite possibilities and open to the inspiration of new ideas and new solutions.

Do you know what happens inside the chrysalis when the caterpillar is changing into a butterfly?

The caterpillar sheds it's skin one last time as the chrysalis is forming. Inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar's body begins to die. The juices used to digest food, now turn and digest the body. The body dies from the inside out. There are special formative cells that were stored in the tissue of the caterpillar that were never used for anything until now. When the old body becomes a caterpillar soup, the cells awaken for the first time. The cells are called imaginal buds or discs. As they awaken, they begin to multiply. At first, the caterpillar's immune system kills them. It isn't until the cells link together and join forces that they can become strong enough to overpower the immune system attack. The immune system dies and the imaginal cells become the body of the butterfly. The butterfly is very vulnerable and needs protection to complete the process of metamorphosis.

What can we learn from the metamorphosis?

1. The old skin is shed one last time before a new process begins.

2. There is a change from the inside out.

3. A memory or blueprint wakes up when the release of the old begins.

4. There is an internal struggle as the old resists and fights the new.

5. To strengthen the new and release the old, we join together in community, cooperation, and collaboration that supports our new birth.

6. As we awaken, something magnificent is created.

7. There is vulnerability at first. Be gentle with yourself. Rest.

Do you feel the call to become a butterfly and transform?