The power of surrendering to the feelings of fear and terror

I woke up in sheer terror on Saturday morning. This is an unusual experience for me. I experience a wide range of emotion but rarely terror. I took out my bag of tools. Violet flame and working with St. Germaine. Listening to Ann Taylor from www.innerhealing.com about releasing old patterns. More inspirational speakers and music. I worked with the energy for over an hour and then I surrendered. I surrendered to the intense feeling of terror that would not leave and I began to embrace it as a teacher.

First, I explored the thoughts that had been pouring into my brain. The theme was decisions and safety. If Hannah and I have to move where will we go? We have a car and a half of personal belongings, and Hannah's bed and dresser. Do we go back to Baltimore and stay with friends? Is there a place that Hannah can stay in California without me for a few months? Is there a place I can stay in California to lick my wounds and recover? Is there a place for both of us and our two cats.

I feel like I am Kevin Costner in the Field of Dreams in the scene at the end of the film when the brother-in-law is yelling at him to sell the property and the young daughter is saying that people will come. And then Earl Ray Jones speech where he says, people will come, Ray, people will come.

I ask myself, "When is trusting a fantasy and when is trusting a walk of faith?"

I spent about two hours in surrendered process. Meditation, journaling, took a shower, focused on the day and drove to Long Beach, CA for a ceremony at the beach. In the ceremony, there were prayers, song, a community of women, heart chocolate, and a meditation. After receiving a blessing of Empowerment with hugs from each of the women, a friend of mine led a simple water blessing. I stood by the water feeling bathed in love and a flow of healing from me to the water and from the water back to me. The two hour ceremony was based on the Net of Light from Grandmothers Speak. http://grandmothersspeak.com/netoflight.php

On the drive to Long Beach, an insight came. I could see my radio show that had been bubbling in my mind for Feb 14 and the idea of Self-Love. The title came, "Loving Yourself When Everything Appears to Be Falling Apart." I began to see how the experience of terror was something to talk about, write about and to discover the nurturing we must do for ourselves even in the midst of chaos. I have been blessed this week to receive healings and blessings every day this week. I feel supported and loved by the Universe in this experience and I am discovering a rich pool of treasures.

At the beach, a friend offered to walk and listen to the thoughts that were swirling in my head. She held a sacred space and read the energy of infinite possibilities. She was unattached to my choices and decisions. She reflected words that came to her. We processed the deep calling my daughter and I had to travel to California. We felt into the energy of moving back to Baltimore and staying in California. After 45 minutes of holding the space, we both agreed. I have work to do that provides a service and I need a space to do that. I have work I am doing that is generating money for the future. My daughter's reconnection with life after moving through a mild depression is important for both of us. I need to find a bridge of support to stay here in this apartment. It was clear.

To do that, I need to generate $4,400. For now, there is a paypal button on this blog. If you are called to donate, and to even think of it as buying me lunch or a cup of coffee and a muffin, the paypal button makes it easy. My friend talked about her daily cup of coffee and breakfast at Starbucks times two. One for her and one for the man she passes on the way to work. She encouraged me to write and post this blog in a variety of places and to allow people to love and support me.

All is well. I appreciate the words and the prayers. 

Tomorrow, I will post some of the work I do for money. Spread the word if it calls to you.

Blessings on this journey of transition all over the World.

Link to blog about an Eviction Process:

http://livingontheedgeblog.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/face-to-face-with-eviction/

The inspiration to host 44 Grief Transformation Radio Shows Nov 21, 2010-Jan 7, 2011

An inspiration bubbled up from within me in November that led to coordinating and hosting the 44 shows. The idea emerged out of a heartfelt desire to provide a place of information, sharing and support over the holiday season. Through my own personal experiences of losing a brother, son, husband, friends and pets, as well as the loss of my first marriage to divorce and a life threatening illness, I have learned about the ups and downs in grieving and the opportunity to heal and transform a life. Sharing my own stories and finding other people who were willing to share their stories was the focus of 44 radio shows between Nov 21, 2010 and Jan 7, 2011. 

On the day of the last show, I was sitting quietly letting my mind wander to the beginning of this idea. What was it that led me to the first show on Nov 21?

The root of it began 50 years ago when my brother died of SIDS. And maybe there were more losses even earlier, but I can trace it back to that moment of the loss and disappearance and lack of conversation around the baby.

And since then each step, each experience of loss and joy and healing and loss and joy and healing wove a story that emerged as 44 radio shows.

I want to talk about honoring the deep calling from within that calls us to step into a greater part of ourselves.

I was thinking back to when I first received the inspiration to host a Grief Transformation Radio Show over the holidays. It was one of those moments I know we have all had, a wake-up call in the middle of the night to do something or be something. And when the call from the inspired place within emerges, there is a knowing that this is something that demands deeper listening. The first night it arrived, I was curious. I remember thinking what would that look like. Originally, I thought I was going to record a series of articles I wrote about grief transformation, 33 nights of reading to be a voice of love in the dark over the holidays.

When I was awakened the next evening, I imagined myself on the radio as a support. I had a heart expanding moment when I imagined who might listen to the calls. What I felt was heart break. I had a wave of emotion feeling the feelings of loss and grief. Remembering what it was like over the holidays when I was in a transition or had recently lost a loved one. In that moment I made the commitment to be on the shows.

Then, people showed up or names appeared in my mind of different losses. As I shared the idea, people offered or I asked them to be on the show.

From asking Kathryn about hosting the shows on our Living on the Edge channel, to posting the idea on Facebook, to scheduling guests and organizing topic shows, it has been an opportunity to transform and heal.

Michael Bernard Beckwith quote: God does not call the qualified. God qualifies the called.

The guests shared their stories, their journey and I shared mine and somehow in the midst of the conversations, I became a radio show host.

I know that every night, on every show, with each one guest, something in me was profoundly healed and a shift occurred. I know that from the Facebook “Likes” and posts and notes that were shared, this was occurring for others as well.

There are not enough thank you’s in the world for the gratitude and love I feel for each guest, for each comment of support, for each blessing and love sent. And for each listener who sent me a note letting me know the shows were making a difference in their lives.

And just as God, Spirit, a greater Source emerged through each guest, I experienced that, too. Over half of the guests had never been on a radio show. For many of them, the format of a conversation vs an interview was new and different. We played and weaved a powerful healing energy through words, passion, tears and laughter.

I feel new again, waiting for the next assignment, the next mission.

www.opentoinspiration.com 

Blogtalkradio.com/livingontheedge 

Infinity: Learning how to flow from joy to sadness to joy to ...

Infinity: Learning how to flow from joy to sadness to joy to ...
Wed, August 25, 2010

Today I was on Lynn Serafinn's Garden of the Soul radio show. I was a guest to discuss the topic Transforming Grief. 

We were discussing how grief is a process of self-discovery and the gifts that appear as we heal. I talked about the experience of the death of my son and two weeks later the birth of my daughter, Hannah. It was one of the most powerful moments of experiencing the teeter totter of emotion. Cooper died on Jan 15, 1993. His memorial service was 8 days later on Jan. 23 and Hannah was born on Jan 30, a week later.

I was 8 1/2 months pregnant when my son died.

The idea bursting forth was similar to a blog I wrote a few weeks ago about the experience of the caterpillar dying while the imaginal cells of the butterfly begin to awaken. It is a common theme in our world right now. If you are not personally experiencing a death or rebirth within yourself, you are probably witnessing it in a friend, your community or the world.

Anytime we experience a death and a rebirth, we go back and forth between positive and negative emotions. I hesitate to label them with those words, but in our linear world it is the way we understand and view them. Negative emotions would be sadness, loss, disappointment, grief, anger. Positive would be joy, excitement, happiness, hope and freedom.

A few years after my son died, I was exploring and healing more of the grief.  I saw an acupuncturist who told me I needed to stop associating the death of my son and the birth of my daughter together. He thought that was the answer to my healing. As brilliant as he was in many of our conversations, I disagreed then and I strongly disagree now. The more I have experienced and learned about grief I know the answer is to learn to embrace and flow between the various emotions, like the sideways 8, the infinity symbol. A never ending flow.

There will always be moments of joy and sadness present as part of each day. The death of my son can make me sad. The thought of his laughter makes me happy. In a matter of seconds I can move to the sadness and back to the joy and to the sadness and to the joy and ...

The gift of that time period was a lesson in exercising an emotional muscle. It was the muscle of the heart. I could feel great loss thinking about my son and then shift into joy as I looked at the little angel face of my daughter. I began to learn to appreciate the richness in each experience and to dance with the contrast.

We are all experiencing this contrast right now and more than ever, it is time to learn the dance.

If you are interested in listening to the radio show, here is the link. http://bit.ly/dDjFvb

An Inspiration Reawakens: 10,000 Get Clean Kits

An Inspiration and a Passion for the Earth Reawakens to the Next Level
August 23, 2010

Three years ago, I was on a mountaintop in Aspen, CO. I was overcome with a wave of deep love and an idea came rushing into my heart. I took big action for a few months until I realized I had some things to clear in my life first. I kept the idea tucked away close to my heart only sharing it with a small group of close friends. I had a strong knowing that some day it would emerge again in full force.

The Time is Now.

Here is the story:

I was in Aspen, Colorado at Seminar of the Century:  Woodstock for the Mind.  It was an event that was created and organized by T. Harv Eker from Peak Potentials, author of Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.  Three days of motivational speakers and inspiring, passionate musicians.   We were sitting on the grassy ski slope of Snowmass with the backdrop of the Rocky Mountains, listening to one magnificent, motivational speaker after another.  On Friday, July 6, we made a list of 10 goals for the next year.  I easily came up with my list.  Number one was to share Shaklee products to bring health, harmony and balance to whoever needed it.  

On that day, thinking about Shaklee, my own testimony of health, Dr. Shaklee's inspiration, and the cleaning products, it was easy to find a passion and an emotion of gratitude.  But, what was the goal filled with passion?  I thought about this throughout the day on Friday and went to bed that night thinking about who I wanted to help and where I could make a difference in the world.

The next day was Saturday, July 7, 2007.  07/07/07.  LiveEarth day.  The day began with T. Harv Eker, Mark Victor Hansen and Art Linkletter all doing promotional spots for LiveEarth. The crowd was included in the filming background. We all jumped up and down with excitement for the Earth.  (There were 4,000 people in attendance at Seminar of the Century)  This event would be seen all over the world.  As I looked at the mountains, I felt a passionate desire to do something that would have a global impact.  My love for the Planet was bursting my heart wide open.  I kept thinking what can I do to really make a difference for my dear Mother Earth?

During the next hour, an idea began to bubble from my heart to my head.  It came to me. Create a wave of people using environmentally safe cleaning products. Shaklee had introduced a Get Clean Kit with everything you need to clean your house. The numbers rolled around in my head until 10,000 popped into my head.

Teach 10,000 new families to use environmentally safe products by using 10,000 Get Clean Starter Kits as a baseline demonstration.

Here is a small piece of the impact on the environment when 10,000 families switch to the products:

1. Reduce garbage in landfills by 1,800,000 lbs of garbage (Products are concentrated)
2. Eliminate 2,480,000 pounds of greenhouse gas emissions

Now that is exciting!

This is why I am choosing Shaklee and the Get Clean Kits:

1. Everything you need to clean a house is in the kit. It will make it easy to switch everything at once.

2. The products work. This may sound silly to you, but I have met people who were committed to using environmentally safe products and then either gave up because the products didn't clean or did things like wash their clothes twice to try to get them clean.

3. It is a measurable goal
       a) Each kit reduces garbage in the landfills and eliminates gas emissions.

4. This will create a baseline of information and education. If you decide to switch to products and buy products from a local store or another company, you will know what it means to use concentrated products that work.

****

For now, I am looking for 10 people who will buy the kit, watch the Youtube videos I will create with information, ask me questions about the products and find 10 people who will also commit to finding 10 people

I am committed to providing an ongoing education. I will have a launch of informational video clips on YouTube, blogs, and updates. You can begin to participate anytime. I will be doing a promotional launch beginning on 10-10-10. I would like to reach 10,000 new families by 11-11-11.

I will be making a monthly donation from the sale of the kits. The donations will go to organizations with themes of the environment, children and education. If anyone has ideas, please e-mail me: opentoinspiration@gmail.com

Next Monday, I will share the details of WHY this is reawakening in me now! It was a WAKE UP: Call to Inspiration.

http://www.shaklee.net/andrea-hylen

Day Dream with God

Day Dream with God
August 18, 2010

On a walk with God this week, the inspiration to start a new twitter account came to me. Day Dream With God. (www.twitter.com/daydreamwithGod) I made the commitment to tweet a minimum of 24 times per day between Aug 12 and Sept 11. One per hour. I am using Hootsuite to schedule most of the tweets in advance. The tweets are devoted to inspirations from spiritual leaders, music, art, billboards, bumper stickers, and inspirational quotes.

The first time I remember using the words, Day Dream with God was sitting at my friend Kate Foley's house. We were sitting at her dining room table drinking coffee at 6:30am. I described the way I felt about opening to inspiration. I called it Daydreaming with God. As I was getting ready to leave Baltimore in January I wrote: I am leaving the safety and comfort of my home and community to go out into the world and explore life in a new way. I am Daydreaming with God, Opening to Inspiration, and Living a Life Worth Celebrating.

I have been actively daydreaming with God for 8 months. I have meditated, walked, trusted, listened, opened and waited. I set a boundary with friends and family that has limited phone contact as I peel away layers to discover the new parts of me that want to emerge. I spend more time in silence than ever before. In my commitment to allow a new part of me to emerge, I am finding the path one step at a time.

Now, when I daydream with God, it is God's voice and my voice. When I feel squirmy and fearful and doubting, it takes less time to find a centered place within me. I am learning to filter and find the inspirations. I see the discomfort as a sign I am stretching and continuing to grow.


After 6 days of tweeting on the day dream with God account, another inspiration came to me. It was a wake up call. I have been ignoring something I am passionate about. The Care of Mother Earth.

A dream, a vision I received on July 7, 2007 on a mountain in Aspen has been reawakened. Teach 10,000 families and organizations to use Shaklee Get Clean Kits by Dec 2011.

Over the next few Mondays, I will share the vision, why this has emerged now and continue with sharing about the care of Mother Earth.

Step 1-Write a blog about the inspiration. Every Monday, this blog will be devoted to the environment.


Step 2- Find 10 people who will commit to finding 10 people in 10 months to use the Shaklee Get Clean Kits.

I am grateful to be awake! See you on Monday!

Day dreaming with God,
Andrea

Open to Inspiration: A unexpected new job

Open to Inspiration: An unexpected new job
August 12, 2010

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus. ~Robert Brault

Yesterday I went on a job interview. A family of four has a daughter, age 10 and a son, age 4. The son has had six surgeries to correct a birth defect and he has a G-tube. He is bright, physically active and is expected to live a full, productive amazing life. (For those of you who do not know, my son was born with a congenital heart defect, and died of a neuro-blastoma cancer at the age of 19 months.)

The main caregiver for the family has been there for six months but is leaving to go care for her ailing parents in San Jose. The mom e-mailed me on Saturday. I replied on Sunday. We talked for 15 minutes on the phone on Monday and set up an interview for yesterday, Wednesday. When she answered the door, both of us moved towards each other for a spontaneous hug. We both hesitated, took a step back and she reached out her hand to say hello. I commented that I had been moved to hug her. She said, "Me, too." So, I stepped forward and we hugged. In that moment, I was home.


If you had told me two years ago, that I would sell my house, release my personal belongings and furniture and move to California to take a job as a caregiver, I would have thought you were crazy. My thoughts would have been, why would I do that? Why wouldn't I just stay in Maryland in my loving supportive community and become a caregiver there, if that is what I am guided to do? Why do I have to go through this death process of releasing my life to do a job I was already qualified to do? I could have easily found a job like this. There is a deeper reason...

A few months ago, my daughter, Hannah suggested I sign up on-line with care.com, an organization that connects people for babysitting, pet sitting and more. It sort of made sense to do this as a part-time job. I love children and have years of experience. It is flexible, part-time and would bring some money into our lives. Hannah and I both have dreams. I want to focus on writing . I am developing my craft, discovering my interests and allowing the inspiration and thoughts to emerge. But, I am not independently wealthy, and I needed to find something to pay the bills.

Every week, for the past few months, I have applied for a variety of babysitting jobs. Each time I filled out the job application, I observed my feelings. I chose the jobs that were close to where we were living and would fit into my writing schedule. But my heart hurt as I applied for each job. A wave of sadness would appear. My soul was not soaring with joy. For the past month, I have had numerous conversations with God. Really, God? This is where you are guiding me? Is there something I am missing? Is there another job that makes more sense?

My internal dialogue was to continually commit to do anything in my integrity to financially support my family and our dreams. My inner guidance system was encouraging me to apply for a variety of jobs as action steps that would lead me to the real job. They were part of the process. I would be led to the job, the money, a place I would make a difference. I knew it would feed my soul and feed my family.

Before I found this new family, I was rejected by several of the postings because I was too old! What? I am 53 years old and last summer I drove 24,000 miles in 11 weeks and went to 45 concerts (another story). I think I can keep up with children! I used this as an opportunity to process feelings about my skills, my age, and unpaid volunteer positions for the last 15 years. No fancy job titles. No pay. I was reminded of my mother's struggle to find work when my brother was the last child at home and her painful journey with that, "age and no marketable skills crap." Many feelings were stirred up and I did a variety of writing, meditating, and processing to discover the truth of who I am. I have worth and value.

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a very successful (her words), single mom who is bi-coastal and wanted someone who could travel between New York and CA and care for her infant and toddler. That was intriguing because I have a daughter who lives in New York City. Most of the time in the next six months we would be in California with an occasional trip to NYC. But, she wanted someone who was available 24/7. I would have a few hours to myself each day but I wouldn't be able to plan anything. Her new ad, after I had turned down the job, said she wanted someone who basically had no life! (That was my line to her. Are you looking for someone who basically has no life?) Yes! Indentured servant and slave. The interview experience and sifting through this brought more clarity.

Enter the ideal job. As I talked with the mother for three hours yesterday, I could see and feel the grief within her and the family. Change, uncertainty and all of the feelings when you live life with someone who has been in and out of hospitals for almost five years. It stirred personal memories that I will write about. I will not be writing the personal details of the family unless I am guided to write and have their permission to share this publicly. I will write about my own memories reawakening from my own life. Yesterday, I had several memories burst forth from me. My experience will help the family. Being there with them will help reawaken the words within me. I will write about them and this will help other people, too.

After the interview I drove to the ocean for my weekly walk. It was a walk of gratitude. I thanked the ocean, the sun, the sand and the birds for holding me so beautifully. I have walked on the beach almost every week since February. And every week, I have received the gift of an inspiration that has emerged within 24 hours of my walk. The title of my book, the idea to speak about inspiration, posting FREE articles on the internet about grief transformation, and more that is emerging.

As I continue to climb a mountain of exploration, this is a pause on one of the cliffs. There is more to see here.


One more piece of Divine perfection:
The most important practices in my life are preserved. My morning routine of Tai Chi, mediation, and journal writing. The article and book writing for 3-4 hours at Priscilla's. Supporting Hannah with studying for her GED and a ride to her babysitting job several times per week. Time to develop other projects, do radio interviews, create youtube videos. Time for a walk and a short nap to enter the evening refreshed.

I will be working from 4-9pm Mon-Fri. I will be there to help with homework, meal preparation, playing games, reading books, eating dinner with the family and helping with the little boys medicine and healing. The original idea was for me to work the shift to drop the kids at school, run errands for the family, and hang out for the son's nap. As we discussed the details yesterday, I told the mom I thought that would be a waste of what I could really offer the family in emotional support and counseling. She agreed. I can be a calming influence during an important part of every day.

This is also bringing more balance to my life. Sharing my unique gifts to the family, awakening the words I must write and supporting my soul's growth. I will learn-teach and teach-learn in this job of care.

The journey continues...

Conscious Leadership = Living A Conscious Life

Conscious Leadership = Living A Conscious Life
August 4, 2010

In Feb 2010, I heard about a book project with Love Your Life Publishing, Inc. Powerful business partners, Christine Kloser and Lynne Klippel, partnered with Kathleen Gage, creator of Street Smarts Marketing and 40 conscious business owners to write a book. The book is called Align, Expand and Succeed: Shifting the Paradigm of Entrepreneurial Success. It will be published in the fall of 2010.

Now, if you think this doesn't apply to you because you do not own a conscious business or think of yourself as an entrepreneur, think again. I want to share something about the deeper message I am witnessing.

The group of contributing authors gathered together to write blogs and create videos. Here is the website link: www.alignexpandandsucceed.com After I committed to the project, I wondered what I would write about that could connect with entrepreneurial success. I felt a strong connection with the title of the book but I didn't really see myself as someone who would write about conscious business ideas. I write about spirituality, conscious parenting, and grief-loss.

To reflect on this, I went for long walks, connecting with nature and asking what was the purpose of being involved with this project? Why had I felt such a strong connection? With the encouragement of Lynne and Christine, I began to listen to the words that were bubbling inside and wrote a story about a moment of self-discovery to share with others.

I began to read the conscious business blogs and watch the videos from the other authors. I saw how the authors were writing the same things I was writing; how to live a more conscious life.

I looked up the definition of the word entrepreneur and found these words: a person who has possession of a new idea and assumes significant accountability for the inherent risks and the outcome.  I saw that the definition really applied to many areas of my life and the lives of the people around me. People who are consciously living and assuming significant accountability in more than business.

Let me ask you a few questions: Are you experiencing a new consciousness in everything you do? Are you more awake now than you were a year ago? Are you making conscious choices in your life, business, work, home, family and friendships?

In the next few months, there will be a series of free teleseminars discussing a paradigm shift, a new way of living consciously. The focus is business and it can be applied to all areas of your life. I invite you to come along and experience the shift.

The first teleseminar is Aug 17, 2010 at 10 am PST with Kathleen Gage interviewing Anita Crawford Clark, Christian Minson, Lili Cruchelow and me, Andrea Hylen.

Go to http://www.consciousbusinesstips.com/ to sign up for the call information and receive a free copy of Create a Conscious Business e-book.

Spread the word to anyone you think might benefit from the call. Thanks!