August 12, 2010
Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus. ~Robert Brault
Yesterday I went on a job interview. A family of four has a daughter, age 10 and a son, age 4. The son has had six surgeries to correct a birth defect and he has a G-tube. He is bright, physically active and is expected to live a full, productive amazing life. (For those of you who do not know, my son was born with a congenital heart defect, and died of a neuro-blastoma cancer at the age of 19 months.)
The main caregiver for the family has been there for six months but is leaving to go care for her ailing parents in San Jose. The mom e-mailed me on Saturday. I replied on Sunday. We talked for 15 minutes on the phone on Monday and set up an interview for yesterday, Wednesday. When she answered the door, both of us moved towards each other for a spontaneous hug. We both hesitated, took a step back and she reached out her hand to say hello. I commented that I had been moved to hug her. She said, "Me, too." So, I stepped forward and we hugged. In that moment, I was home.
If you had told me two years ago, that I would sell my house, release my personal belongings and furniture and move to California to take a job as a caregiver, I would have thought you were crazy. My thoughts would have been, why would I do that? Why wouldn't I just stay in Maryland in my loving supportive community and become a caregiver there, if that is what I am guided to do? Why do I have to go through this death process of releasing my life to do a job I was already qualified to do? I could have easily found a job like this. There is a deeper reason...
A few months ago, my daughter, Hannah suggested I sign up on-line with care.com, an organization that connects people for babysitting, pet sitting and more. It sort of made sense to do this as a part-time job. I love children and have years of experience. It is flexible, part-time and would bring some money into our lives. Hannah and I both have dreams. I want to focus on writing . I am developing my craft, discovering my interests and allowing the inspiration and thoughts to emerge. But, I am not independently wealthy, and I needed to find something to pay the bills.
Every week, for the past few months, I have applied for a variety of babysitting jobs. Each time I filled out the job application, I observed my feelings. I chose the jobs that were close to where we were living and would fit into my writing schedule. But my heart hurt as I applied for each job. A wave of sadness would appear. My soul was not soaring with joy. For the past month, I have had numerous conversations with God. Really, God? This is where you are guiding me? Is there something I am missing? Is there another job that makes more sense?
My internal dialogue was to continually commit to do anything in my integrity to financially support my family and our dreams. My inner guidance system was encouraging me to apply for a variety of jobs as action steps that would lead me to the real job. They were part of the process. I would be led to the job, the money, a place I would make a difference. I knew it would feed my soul and feed my family.
Before I found this new family, I was rejected by several of the postings because I was too old! What? I am 53 years old and last summer I drove 24,000 miles in 11 weeks and went to 45 concerts (another story). I think I can keep up with children! I used this as an opportunity to process feelings about my skills, my age, and unpaid volunteer positions for the last 15 years. No fancy job titles. No pay. I was reminded of my mother's struggle to find work when my brother was the last child at home and her painful journey with that, "age and no marketable skills crap." Many feelings were stirred up and I did a variety of writing, meditating, and processing to discover the truth of who I am. I have worth and value.
A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a very successful (her words), single mom who is bi-coastal and wanted someone who could travel between New York and CA and care for her infant and toddler. That was intriguing because I have a daughter who lives in New York City. Most of the time in the next six months we would be in California with an occasional trip to NYC. But, she wanted someone who was available 24/7. I would have a few hours to myself each day but I wouldn't be able to plan anything. Her new ad, after I had turned down the job, said she wanted someone who basically had no life! (That was my line to her. Are you looking for someone who basically has no life?) Yes! Indentured servant and slave. The interview experience and sifting through this brought more clarity.
Enter the ideal job. As I talked with the mother for three hours yesterday, I could see and feel the grief within her and the family. Change, uncertainty and all of the feelings when you live life with someone who has been in and out of hospitals for almost five years. It stirred personal memories that I will write about. I will not be writing the personal details of the family unless I am guided to write and have their permission to share this publicly. I will write about my own memories reawakening from my own life. Yesterday, I had several memories burst forth from me. My experience will help the family. Being there with them will help reawaken the words within me. I will write about them and this will help other people, too.
After the interview I drove to the ocean for my weekly walk. It was a walk of gratitude. I thanked the ocean, the sun, the sand and the birds for holding me so beautifully. I have walked on the beach almost every week since February. And every week, I have received the gift of an inspiration that has emerged within 24 hours of my walk. The title of my book, the idea to speak about inspiration, posting FREE articles on the internet about grief transformation, and more that is emerging.
As I continue to climb a mountain of exploration, this is a pause on one of the cliffs. There is more to see here.
One more piece of Divine perfection:
The most important practices in my life are preserved. My morning routine of Tai Chi, mediation, and journal writing. The article and book writing for 3-4 hours at Priscilla's. Supporting Hannah with studying for her GED and a ride to her babysitting job several times per week. Time to develop other projects, do radio interviews, create youtube videos. Time for a walk and a short nap to enter the evening refreshed.
I will be working from 4-9pm Mon-Fri. I will be there to help with homework, meal preparation, playing games, reading books, eating dinner with the family and helping with the little boys medicine and healing. The original idea was for me to work the shift to drop the kids at school, run errands for the family, and hang out for the son's nap. As we discussed the details yesterday, I told the mom I thought that would be a waste of what I could really offer the family in emotional support and counseling. She agreed. I can be a calming influence during an important part of every day.
This is also bringing more balance to my life. Sharing my unique gifts to the family, awakening the words I must write and supporting my soul's growth. I will learn-teach and teach-learn in this job of care.
The journey continues...
No comments:
Post a Comment