The power of surrendering to the feelings of fear and terror

I woke up in sheer terror on Saturday morning. This is an unusual experience for me. I experience a wide range of emotion but rarely terror. I took out my bag of tools. Violet flame and working with St. Germaine. Listening to Ann Taylor from www.innerhealing.com about releasing old patterns. More inspirational speakers and music. I worked with the energy for over an hour and then I surrendered. I surrendered to the intense feeling of terror that would not leave and I began to embrace it as a teacher.

First, I explored the thoughts that had been pouring into my brain. The theme was decisions and safety. If Hannah and I have to move where will we go? We have a car and a half of personal belongings, and Hannah's bed and dresser. Do we go back to Baltimore and stay with friends? Is there a place that Hannah can stay in California without me for a few months? Is there a place I can stay in California to lick my wounds and recover? Is there a place for both of us and our two cats.

I feel like I am Kevin Costner in the Field of Dreams in the scene at the end of the film when the brother-in-law is yelling at him to sell the property and the young daughter is saying that people will come. And then Earl Ray Jones speech where he says, people will come, Ray, people will come.

I ask myself, "When is trusting a fantasy and when is trusting a walk of faith?"

I spent about two hours in surrendered process. Meditation, journaling, took a shower, focused on the day and drove to Long Beach, CA for a ceremony at the beach. In the ceremony, there were prayers, song, a community of women, heart chocolate, and a meditation. After receiving a blessing of Empowerment with hugs from each of the women, a friend of mine led a simple water blessing. I stood by the water feeling bathed in love and a flow of healing from me to the water and from the water back to me. The two hour ceremony was based on the Net of Light from Grandmothers Speak. http://grandmothersspeak.com/netoflight.php

On the drive to Long Beach, an insight came. I could see my radio show that had been bubbling in my mind for Feb 14 and the idea of Self-Love. The title came, "Loving Yourself When Everything Appears to Be Falling Apart." I began to see how the experience of terror was something to talk about, write about and to discover the nurturing we must do for ourselves even in the midst of chaos. I have been blessed this week to receive healings and blessings every day this week. I feel supported and loved by the Universe in this experience and I am discovering a rich pool of treasures.

At the beach, a friend offered to walk and listen to the thoughts that were swirling in my head. She held a sacred space and read the energy of infinite possibilities. She was unattached to my choices and decisions. She reflected words that came to her. We processed the deep calling my daughter and I had to travel to California. We felt into the energy of moving back to Baltimore and staying in California. After 45 minutes of holding the space, we both agreed. I have work to do that provides a service and I need a space to do that. I have work I am doing that is generating money for the future. My daughter's reconnection with life after moving through a mild depression is important for both of us. I need to find a bridge of support to stay here in this apartment. It was clear.

To do that, I need to generate $4,400. For now, there is a paypal button on this blog. If you are called to donate, and to even think of it as buying me lunch or a cup of coffee and a muffin, the paypal button makes it easy. My friend talked about her daily cup of coffee and breakfast at Starbucks times two. One for her and one for the man she passes on the way to work. She encouraged me to write and post this blog in a variety of places and to allow people to love and support me.

All is well. I appreciate the words and the prayers. 

Tomorrow, I will post some of the work I do for money. Spread the word if it calls to you.

Blessings on this journey of transition all over the World.

Link to blog about an Eviction Process:

http://livingontheedgeblog.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/face-to-face-with-eviction/